I don’t give a fuck
about none of that. I don’t give a fuck
about none of that. I don’t give a fuck …
None of that. We’ve just been- I don’t give a fuck about none
of that, bitch. Get off me, blood.
Get off me, blood. Get off the- About none of that. I don’t give a fuck
about none of that. And then they see us- Get off me, blood.
Get off me, blood. I don’t give a fuck
about none of that. All you bitches can die, blood.
I don’t give a fuck about- None of that. Which is weird because that was
the first song I wrote was called
‘All you Bitches can Die.’ That was the first folk song
I ever wrote. I wouldn’t last one day
in a woman’s prison. We got that clean. Kill me. Okay. All right. Forget a men’s prison. My Craig Mack’s the same
as my Aaron Neville. You lied to me. Jacob. How can you have
sulk-face through this? What happened today? Did someone lie to you? Do you get broken up with
everyday before you come in? Yeah. It’s just the most
heart-wrenching break up tune. It’s the one
where she has to leave because of a job
and a better opportunity. Yeah no shit. It’s nothing that he did wrong.
It’s just circumstance- He walked over-
And then he’s just crumbled. He handed me the print-out. I was like, “What’s up, buddy?”
He was like, “Hey.” “Hi. My enemy
took my girl again.” Yeah, what happened? Did you lose the big ski race
to get your girlfriend? “You guys, snowboarders aren’t
allowed on Mount Pristine.” It’s just a long edit day. Yeah. What happened?
Where to start off? Nicky give you problems
this morning? She giving you mouth? What’s up?
No. She had Paris Hilton on and felt so much more organic
than our interview. But I bet before she came in, Nicky wasn’t watching
her blower guy and tried to see
if she looked over. That is true.
Yeah. You’re right. So, in her defense,
she’s not as punk-rock … She’s not as punk-rock as us. So basically Jacob what we’re
saying is you’ve gone mainstream your soft. Yeah. And I assume
it’s not going to really reflect in today’s Ad Reads.
How many do we have today? Oh I’m looking at it, bud.
One. One. For Dan.
I assume it’s coffee. It was actually for you. But you’ve just been
doing it all week. So you just take the Ad Reads.
I like advertising too, Jay. Do you now?
No. Zip Recruiter’s
sticking with us. For hanging there with us?
Yeah. Have we been dropped
by some others? No.
You know what though? Why don’t you do
Zip Recruiters, Jay? I don’t want to.
No you do. I don’t want to.
You said you will read. I have done the one read
we’ve had the past two days. So why don’t you keep doing it? We are on the outskies. We fought in the elevator. They’re about to send us
out of here, Jacob. I know you feel it. That’s why when you sulk
all the time when I see you- I had nothing to do. I brought it in to the room.
It’s a long day. When you come in with sulk-face,
often you do. I worry. What are they
telling you in the offices? You come down here
like you’re- Jacob. [crosstalk 00:02:45] He’s like, “You guys want
to go out to the woods?” Because he’s going to
shoot us in the woods. No. He’s-
Like a puppy. He’s white-fanging us,
“Get out of here.” Yeah. “You got to get out of here.” “Just go. Run.
Find a new family.” “Stop it.” And we’re like this,
“Jacob, can we do radio? Jacob, we’re radioing today?” “Should me and Dan be trying
to get our tape out to 107.5? The Top Hits 40 of New York?” Hey Cincinnati, you’re listening
to Classic Rock and you’ve got a big dose
of Big Jay and smooth. Should we get our auditions? Should we get our tape
out to the pan-handle down there in Florida? It’s the only- Best part of my day. Aww. And you’re going to hate
to see us leave? Dude, you’re right though.
That kind of sentence- Yeah man. It’s like Jacob was
in a boardroom and a guy, Jack Vaughn had his feet up
on his desk looking at him. He goes, “Jacob.
I’ll give you a week. But you end them.
You end the show.” “I don’t know if I can do that,
Jack. I won’t do that.” “You don’t have a choice, Jacob. They’re already dead
in Sirius XM eyes.” “Those guys are so good to me.
I love them.” Lou…
DJ Lou what do you know? The Bonfire
soap opera continues. What do you know? Nicky had nine reads today. Are you sure? Are you for real? Jacob, I’m sorry.
He asked me what I knew. Is that true? Dude, that’s so great. What a stool pigeon.
If I can’t do- Fucking squealers. Dude, no way that’s true. Dude. Lou just flipped
on Jacob so fast. So she had three more reads than
we’ve ever had at our top reads? On a day that we are
receiving one read. I don’t know how to argue
with anyone’s points in here. You’re a failure. Dude, Lou …
Lou rolled over so fast. You go, “Lou.” And he goes, “Sh.
Nine reads. I don’t know, man. Get the fuck out of here.
Leave me alone.” I thought … You guys made us
feel better by lying and telling us you can’t do
more than six reads. I didn’t know it was possible.
You said we were maxed out. I just didn’t know
it was possible. He’s like- I think there are
six live reads. But then there’s
the segments … Segmented sponsored reads. Oh yeah. We forgot about that.
They also got sponsorship. What about fucking Tiger
Balm sponsors the next half-hour of me crying- Do you guys actually put-
My shoulders hurts. Do you guys actually
put these shows out? Or are these these bots
that are tweeting at us. Is Sarahmcpants a bot, I met
her. I thought. I wish I was saying it
physically kicked me less in the stomach
to hear that. Lou, you don’t ever …
Just not saying anything? I think you- I think this is Jacob’s
slow roll into psychologically
breaking you. I think this entire time.. I feel I’m legitimately
teary-eyed. We have no proof that this show
means anything to anybody. Jay … Jacob’s going
to leave a note. You’re going to walk
into the office one day. You’re going to be like, “What’s
this note just laying here?” And it’s going to be to Nicky
from Comedy Central. And it’s because
they were proud of you. And you’re going to be like,
“What?” Dude. This is long walk thinking
about my life tonight. I’m telling you. I got to
walk home for the Rusty R show. It’s going to be
a long, slow walk. I’ll tell you this.
I say take the East River, just walk up the East River
and just look at the ocean. Not the ocean, the river. Executives from companies … You know, networks
have talked to me about just trying to get me to dig in
and give something to the world of trying to be
on television and do TV. And I go, “I hate it.
I want to do … I love radio” And you know what we found out?
Radio doesn’t love this guy. Stop it. Nine reads. Bananas. And we were told
it’s impossible. We were told
it couldn’t be done. You found out that … Nicky Glazer flipped
your fucking brain today. Well not- That’s why you’re exhausted now. [crosstalk 00:06:22]
Sponsored segments. He’s coming down now. I didn’t …
No it’s been not just today. This is today? Jay went on her show
and said she had eight reads. And that’s when you realize- Every time you heard her
do a read, you were like, “What are you doing
that for again? You’ve already done three.” She’s like, “I have four.
I have to do four.” He goes- No I think it’s … You’re probably not talking
to the right person. Let me text Jacob he said it’s
impossible. Do you remember
that bit where you go, “Nicky, put that down. I don’t think
you can do more than six. Yeah, I think you’re
breaking the law.” She’s like, “I have to.”
“But … stop.” “Just please stop.”
“Jacob says it’s illegal.” Don’t do you’re going to … I don’t want you
getting in trouble, I like you. You’re going to get in trouble. You know what?
“No. It’s too many” You’re like her-
“No you’re doing too many.” You’re like a cult kid getting
reassembled into society. We go- “Can’t do that … Are you crossing
without holding hands?” “Father will belt you. What? No, you can’t do
that many reads.” Oh man. Jay- We’re having some good topics
here today … Talking about today.
We had David Tells coming in. My stomach’s upset. Are you all right?
Do you have to make? Not that kind of upset. Sad make? Yeah, it’s an empty belly. Rollercoaster. Lou gave me that stomach ache.
I don’t- No, the facts gave me
that stomach ache. The truth. The truth crushes- Lou, where are you going
to go after all this? What’s that? Where are you going to go after
all this when this show’s over? What do you mean?
Why’s the show over? No, we’re fine. No, we’re getting killed we’re
getting kicked out of here. Why are you saying that?
Don’t say that. Don’t be negative.
Yeah, you’ll see when they start throwing a
DJ booth in this fucking studio. Jay, you’re Eeyore-ing
right now. Jay, you’re Eeyore-ing. Okay.
Not allowed to Eeyore. All right. Think it’s not gonna
turn into a DJ booth over there. No. Stop Eeyore-ing. You think they throw up a DJ
booth at every fucking studio we go to until we get the- Is that the mark?
That they know it’s coming? You go, “Jay, when did they put
the DJ booth in here while you were out last week?”
I’m like- Oh shit. It’s happening again. You guys are going to take some
funny pictures in the DJ booth? Are you mocking us
for doing that, dude? No. I’m just saying- Yeah. We’re going to have
a fucking photo album full of pictures
of photo booth- All the different studio booths
we had to move for all the different studios
we spun in. Yeah, “Guys we could have fixed
that curtain. Instead we’re just going to
throw a DJ booth and move you.” You know what would make
this show awesome? A live DJ. You guys aren’t
going to be here though. Yeah. And not so much this show but a different show
without you guys and a DJ. Some of these studios don’t even
have DJs playing in them. They just let us know
by putting in a DJ studio that it’s time for us
to fucking hit the bricks. With the red X.
That’s a red X on the studio. “You’ve seen your marks,
you leave now.” DJ Lou, what are you
going to do? You think Sebastian’s going
to take you with them? Yeah. To that Gindalo mansion
in the skies? I am half-Italian. Is that what you’re going
to keep telling them
when you’re fucking- Louitzky, listen to me. You’re going to have
to live with me. You must be embarrassed.
Work for the- Put you in my pool house. But you got to swim
in swim-shoes because I’ve seen
your feet and- How are… How are you leaving? I need you to tell me you’re
good with a long-range rifle. You’re going to be
a perimeter guy. Volare. I need you to sit guard
eight hours a week. You’re going to have
a high-powered rifle. For your room and rent. Christine and you …
I’ll just go back on the road. Christine’s gone. Christine’s out. Some fucker started
fucking whoever’s in the studio after me. It’s true.
She doesn’t give a shit. She doesn’t want
to leave that booth. They come in, they go,
“Who are you missing?” She goes, “I’m the wife
of whoever runs this show. I’m telling you who I am.
I- I’m the woman behind the man
who runs this studio. Whoever that may be.” “Is that you, sir?” DJ Lou, what do you do? What do you do
after the Bonfire? This is morbid as shit. Join the podcast world. Yeah, that’s it?
Yeah. You’re just going to jump
into the podcast world? Me and Lou already got
one working right now. Do what?
Sound effects and voices? Just sound effects and voices.
It’s called- Dance Dog voice versus
… Zips and bops. Michael Winslow is the judge
every week. Winslow’s a big guy. Yeah. He’s a big, big guy. He’s a big guy.
He’s our third episode. We had to crescendo. Hey everybody,
it’s the Bonfire for now on Comedy Central Radio Sirius
XM 95. Yeah.
As we speak. True. True. I really actually want
Jacob back for this. No man. I’m sorry
I asked for a coffee. Nay, I demanded a coffee.
Hi, I’m Dan Soder. Get it in there. I’m a nice guy but I’m direct. I told them to give me all
the coffee filters and a stack of sodas
and all the pretzel rods- And I told them to sing
the entire time. We’re out of here. Right. I told him if he has the sack
for it, kick in the front of
the goddamn vending machine. Take whatever you can get. Let’s just fucking Armageddon
this shit. Smash and grab, dude. Yeah dude. Guess what? If you work at Sirius,
lock your doors because I’m going
scavenger-hunting. Yeah. And I’m going
to have seven bags … Small bags of Cheez-Its. I’m just going to be
walking office to office going, “I want that.
I want that. I want that.
What are you going to do? Outlaw our country?
Fucking get out of my-” “What the fuck are you
going to do?” “I’m on my way out.
You know what you do to a man that’s about to be sent
to a woman’s prison?” Sarah McPayat says, “Jacob wouldn’t last a day
in women’s prison. Because he’d get fucked
to death, day one.” Come on. Oh yeah. Oh, they’d be so
into him for sure. “Hey, little man. Come here.” It’s like a human dildo. I had an interesting
conversation today. We did a pre-record
for Legion of Skanks. Mm-hmm (affirmative). Salvo Cano was on with us.
He asked a good question. I got a good conversation
going which I found interesting- You want to bring over here?
Bring it to the Bonfire? I don’t want Jacob to be
involved when he gets back. Oh well. Fucking way …
I’m sorry, Jay. I’m sorry I wanted a coffee. You know what?
I’ve been lashing out. It’s just that you want a really
complicated coffee that he has to go
to a different place to make. And it’s all- Stop making such
a good coffee, Jacob. It’s a little prima donna. Stop making such a good coffee. Something tells me he’s not
coming back with his foot down that goddamn
vending machine and all the Cheez-Its
like I told him. Mm-hmm (affirmative). But I bet your coffee’s
going to be right. You think we- We’re still employees. Lou did you tell me
that you guys used to try to faze me out. Is this show doing well
if I leave? No. They just want Dan? Jay, I’m doing a countdown
format of the most popular
comedy clubs of the day. It’s a different thing. It’s a whole different thing. That’s the deal I saw. I want to get ice cream. Dude. Jay- Oh it’s a ranker thing. Wow. Look at how
many pretzel sticks. Oh yeah. Thanks Jacob. I wanted you to bring back a box
of the bags of pretzels. What are you like 12? Jay wants blood.
Jay’s pretty pissed. Also by the way,
someone tweeted this at me and I don’t know who got credit
but they were like, “I see Jay found a way to get
Joel and B’s attention.” And they showed
the seven-year-old’s letter. Oh yeah. To Joel and B. And did you guys
see your SnapChat- Whoa. Gender swap? I am- I’m a stern Russian female. Yeah. Paco said you both could get it. I look like a young mom. Yeah. Who said that? Was it you? Yeah. I know your eyes are so tired. I know. I’m like, “I just
fucking look at these bags. I don’t fucking care. I got a fucking monster
at home.” And Jay’s like, “I’ll fuck you.
What’s up sailor?” I’ll fuck my way right
to Vice President. Yeah you will. You’re goddamn right I will. Goddamn right I will.
Thanks Brad Man, Brad Man TV.
Brad man. Thanks, Brad Man. Making people fuckable
since day one. He brought up a great question. Mm-hmm (affirmative). Something that I thought
was interesting to throw
around the horn here. A good Segway from that? To rank yourself.
What do you think you are? What do you think you are
on a scale of one to 10? The first question I had. Yeah? We’re talking about
straight-up looks or we’re incorporating
your personality. And I think
it’s a big difference. And on- Well I think there’s two
different numbers. Because I think …
If you go straight up looks- Definitely. I have two extremely
different numbers, I’d say. Yeah. Because I have
the nine regular looks. Shut the fuck up. 10 with everything else. Shut the fuck up. Shut up. What do you think? What’s yours? I think without comedy,
I’m a flat seven. Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Good. I’m going to walk around seven.
I’m not mad at it. Seven’s good. You know?
Yeah. Absolutely. Take a seven all day. With personality, I think
I’d get up to like an eight one. 8.1? Yeah. Just over …
Just over eight. Cross oned? I .1-ed it. Just a little bit extra.
Just a little bit over an eight. Well I’m going to say
eight and a half here. Well, 85 feels a little … 8.5 feels a lot.
8.3- I feel a lot more- Because of the 8.3? No. It’s … I’m upset
we’re even doing the half. Fine eight.
I go up to an eight. I go …
I bump one- You think your personality
bumps you up only a point? That’s how good-looking you are.
That’s a good feeling. No don’t turn it around and make me feel like shit
for saying that. I’m a one, which sounds awful. [crosstalk 00:15:22]
gets me up to a seven, dude. You fucking …
You Eeyore’d me down. He’s like, “I’ll have
a number two.” [crosstalk 00:15:31]
with a personality- [inaudible 00:15:35]
Pretzel sticks to eat. “I got a two with your …” In fact, let’s do
the whole crew. No. Because I think …
Listen- I’ll answer mine.
Yeah. But I think my looks … And what I be scaling but
have you higher than a seven. I’d say you’re an eight. Thank you. I put myself at …
Being nice to myself, I’d probably say five
right in the middle. No.
But I’d say six. I’d say six and then I think you
tag on personality generally. The way I’ve seen a girl
that likes me like me. Yeah. Like an eight or something.
Yeah. Like an eight. Yeah. [crosstalk 00:16:04]
I think to be a nine … I think 10 is borderline …
You can’t get there. It’s like maybe
there’s like one or two 10s. Nines, that’s a fucking tough,
tough place to get. I think eight is a good
place to get around … You want to get
around an eight. Everyone wants to
get around an eight. And I think most people
walking around’re six to eights. If you’re a five,
that’s a tough … Why did you
point at Jacob? I want to know
what Jacob thinks. Did you just call Jacob a five? No. I want to know
what Jacob thinks. I said five and you
pointed right at Jacob. Oh we talking about this five? The cinco? No [inaudible
00:16:42] fucking Jacob Cinco? I think Jacob’s far better
looking than I am. I think Jacob starts … Yeah what do you think?
What do you rate yourself? I never thought about that …
Well, because of my height. Well I was counting …
I have to factor my height. This is what I think
other people think- Okay. Right? So I would … Because of my height,
I would give myself a six. Okay. With personality? Here’s the thing.
I’m not a comic. I mean, the one time
comfortable with someone, I give myself an eight. I think I’m really fun
to be around. Let me just say this, as someone
that I feel like we’re- Persons- Yes. I feel like
when we first met. We started doing the bonfire, you and I had a little bit
of a cold relationship at first. And I would say- You guys were very guarded. We were both guarded. We sniffed
each other’s butts a lot. But I would say
getting to know you, I absolutely agree with it.
Your personality … When you open up, one of
the funnest guys to be around. An absolute pleasure. When you stop scowling. It’s an absolute pleasure?
When you get the sour puss off. Dude, you’re a fucking party. Yeah. I think he needs to start
putting in points though, because I know …
You get to be more specific. [inaudible 00:17:54]
in my teeth right here. Am I qualified at all? Yeah. Snack Jay is a real- A real fun guy. Snack Jay’s a real- What’s the matter? What are we selling?
Talking about- Tell you what we’re saying,
let’s face it. We’re not selling anything. Let’s face it.
Hiring can be challenging. A little too early. It’s too early
to do our one read, Dan. You’re about to break the rules
of how few reads we have. [crosstalk 00:18:16] Why are we even
listening to the … Lisette Friars says, “I hope you guys
don’t leave the Bonfire. Tattoo’s going to seem
really silly.”- It really is, Luce.
I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, Luce.
It’s not our choice. You could get little tattoos
of me and Dan in a fire. Christine, what do
you think you are? Rate it. I think a six.
And then like maybe with women, personality makes me a seven
and with men, a five. I think my personality
can drag me down. You think you’re a five? You think your personality
drags you down? What? You look [inaudible 00:18:51]
one. I mean yeah.
[crosstalk 00:18:55] I think your laughs
not even on the charts. It’s almost … It’s an effective
warning for tornadoes. I don’t know.
Personality? Yeah, I don’t know
[crosstalk 00:19:03] Christine in reverse.
I think of lower number. Because the harder for me- You think you’re like a … To be a- You think you’re so guarded
that it actually drags you down but then you slingshot up.
If you stick around … If the woman sticks around
long enough for you to warm up, that’s a slingshot up.
Right? Yeah, but it’s tough-
I have to like- Like with you,
I’m not trying to- Say it. We’re in love. So uncomfortable. You and I have something that
Shane and you will never touch. It’s something real.
And I’ll say it right here- I can understand Christine. Yeah it’s really viscous. Because it’s like right away,
it takes one to warm up. And then right away,
people like me. And then once I get
comfortable with it, I start treating you poorly. And then you learn
that I’m like horrible. So, I feel like
[crosstalk 00:19:47] Wait. How do you treat people? I end up treating the people
like as I get closer with people.
I feel like those are the people that end up like having
the worst you know … I’ve had things in my life
where I end up treating the people
that love me the worst because they’re the people
I’m most comfortable with. And I think I can
get it out on them and they’ll still stick around. It’s all fucked up.
I’m working on it. How do you feel about that? She ain’t lying. Jay, I’m not going to lie. I though this whole time,
you’re just doing shtick. Turns out- We’re online. Aw man. Snack Jay is losing
some fans rather rapidly. Christine, do you say that- At least get the chew button. Those thing’s a chew button. Yeah it is.
It’s called the cough button. It’s not called
a chew button though. I call it the chew button
because [crosstalk 00:20:25] Chew on it? Are you stopping me
from being an innovator? Are you stopping me
from changing the game? I’m sorry.
Are you in my way of greatness? How many coughs
are you going to have? Versus you choose. You cough a lot
or do you chew a lot? Christine, do you think
you’re not close to me because like I’ve known you
for three years. “You are dragging me down.” No. I adore you. “I have you in my phone
as “Anvil.” I’m not trying to attract
… It’s true. I mean I’m happy
in my relationships and my relationships
with men in general are just different nowadays cause
I’m not.. Jacob’s not being far
from serious. It’s just us. I’m not trying to fuck. Like I
just think I’m being normal. So we really are talking about
who we personality who we wanna fuck and who we
don’t. I think what she’s saying
Jacob is, “Will you be with her when we
are kicked out of the building?” Yes. I think Jacob will take me
on as a wife. Old West rules
If you needed him to. Old Western rules. Can I just tell you this?
If I’m watching an old West … If I’m watching an old Western
and you die, and that happens in the movie.
I’m happy as a beaver. I’m happier … I’m still alive,
I could go now. Snack Jay. I’m not going to be able
to afford Christine’s fucking shopping habits and I’m jobless sitting
in a fucking … You can’t pay bills
with pretzels and stolen sodas. Shop at Marshalls. If you’re smart, you can. I beg you not to chew anymore.
Please- “I beg you not to chew anymore.” Advertise. It’s called self-sabotage. Jacob really …
I didn’t realize this. [inaudible 00:21:58] does that. Dude you really are … You’re lashing out
like Jailbird. Am I Jailbirds-ing? You’re Jail-birding. I just want to keep my job.
Fuck you all. I don’t give a fuck
about nothing. We got some very different
opinions on black people. I don’t give a fuck
about nothing. I don’t give a fuck
about nothing, Jay. This is [beep]
where we want to advertise with you in the next quarter. I don’t give a fuck
about none of that. Jay. Stop it. I don’t give a fuck
about none of that. Oh you want to advertise, blood?
Fuck you. Yo, blood.
You want to advertise? Fuck you [beep]. Watch stepkid. Watch stepkid.
DJ Lou. This is Jay to advertisers. I don’t give a fuck
about none of that. I don’t give a fuck
about none of that. I don’t give a fuck
about none of that. He goes, “Jay, I promise you.
The Ad Reads will pick up.” I don’t give a fuck
about none of that. “Please get out of my office. Christine, please pull him
out of my office.” Jay heard that and flipped. Everything changed.
Set him the fuck off. I don’t give a fuck
about none of that. I don’t give a fuck
about none of that, bitch. You should run in the you up and then start saying
that recording. Then when they’re filming,
just run in. Liz Sets Fire … She says, “I think I’m a six and then my personality left
for good comedy. Plus willingness for threesomes
bumps me up to an eight.” Yeah.
Well, this hurts me a lot. I’ll tell you why
this hurts me a lot. Six, eight. This hurts me a whole lot. Liz Sets Fire says
she’s down for threesomes … Has a willingness
for threesomes. Never brought that to me
and Christine’s attention. She doesn’t like you. It’s me. It’s probably not
Christine’s fault at all. It’s me.
She says my career’s going. She knows Bonfire’s
about to be done. She doesn’t want to be jobless. And then I can’t advertise
then my shows are empty. Before you know it
and everybody realizes it, I never really wrote comedy. I kind of just asked
if they ever fucked a black guy and kind of go from there. I didn’t know I was going to get
a level of fame or notoriety. It was all- It was all ridiculous. Don’t you understand
it’s all original- I should be stocking shelves
overnight somewhere in South Jersey, man. The man asked the right
questions to the top. Make enough money to get
all fucking 41 home games for the Sixers and tailgate every Sunday
for the fucking Eagles. That’s the person
I’m supposed to be. Well Snack Jack,
you’re getting there. And somehow I’m sitting here
with a radio show and they were like,
“Oh you know what? We just realized it’s you. Get the fuck down there
and sell soft pretzels in the parking lot
for this Eagles game. Like your fucking
scumbag father did.” Your dad sold pretzels? Yeah. They used to call him
JJ The Fat Soft Pretzel Boy. I bet that hurt. “I bet that hurt.”
“Hey, look who it is. It’s JJ, that Fat Soft
Pretzel Fat Kid.” He’s never told me that story
but all of his brothers have. Were they for real?
Yeah. Like that’s a real thing? It might … Everyone in Philadelphia
calls my dad Jay. No one calls my dad Gary here.
When we’re in Philadelphia. Wait what the fuck? What? So my dad probably was piping
my stepmom on the side of my first stepmother.
My guess. Wait your dad was fucking
your stepmom on the side
of your first stepmom? Yeah. And the first stepmom
was really mean to you. No, she was great. No she’s great. My current stepmother
is not a fan. Yes. She was like …
My first stepdad, Nick. Awesome. Follow up …
The sequel. Always garbage. No Cathy was the shit.
Yeah. When I was a little kid. But she was like
a sing-you-to-sleep mom- Ah man. Nick was a- She had huge titties. Good for her. Nick was a- That’s when I bumped
and I ran in naked and when I saw my dad’s dick …
I was like … She was naked and like
covering up with a sheet. You still see all of that
like tension and shit going on where I
thought we were getting robbed. Yeah. At like gun point in my head. I still remember looking at her
and being like, “Yes.” And for a second I went,
“Yeah Cathy.” Yeah, Cathy bare.
Yeah it was a- But anyway, she was great. And then my stepmother Diane …
But he was out there. But where he met my stepmother
was through work where his legal name is Gary. Yeah. So everyone in Ohio when he
moved to Ohio, the world now just refers
to him as Gary. But that’s not …
All my- His Philly name is Jay. What does he have like
a history of violence? Absolutely. My mom calls him
Jay still. Really? Yeah. He has a tattoo
of the word “Jay” on his arm. And they all call you Jason. Yeah it’s weird. They all call you Jason. Yeah. It’s very bizarre. Do you like that or hate that? But Jay. I go, “Where did you
get the name Jay from?” He goes,
“Because they call me …” He didn’t tell me
he said it because they called him
JJ The Soft Fat Pretzel Boy. And he didn’t like that
so he just went with Jay. But why JJ the Fat Soft
Pretzel Boy? If I asked my dad … The stupid answers I’ve gotten
from my father and I’d go, “Why did everybody
call you Jay?” And he goes, “Well my name’s
Gary James. So for James. Short for James is Jay. I go, Short for James
is Jim, one. Jimbo. Start calling
your dad Jimbo- What’s your middle name?
Who goes by the nickname of their middle name
for their first name? That’s a hard poll. It sounds like a formula of how you think up like
your drag queen name or- Should I start going by Eddie? Yeah it’s your first street
and your dog. It’s your middle name- It’s your middle
name’s nickname. It’s your middle name’s nickname
and your first animal. So my nickname’s Mikey
something. Mikey Brandy.
I’m Mikey the Cat. I’m Eddie Izzy. It’s gotta be whatever the
first.. It’s got to be whatever
your first animal was. Nickname for your middle name. I’m Eddie Dog.
Louitzky, one to ten? I don’t play this game. Okay.
Come on Lou. We’ll move on. No.
Why? I don’t even look at mirrors.
Why would I announce- Me either, dude. I think I’m ugly. Lou, 10. Stu, 1. Yeah. This is why
I don’t want to play this game. This is the exact reason. Christine don’t you try
to intervention me again. Just everyday now. Intervention you on what you think
your own personal number is? Yeah. That seems like
a weird thing to say. Higher.
Stop it. Lou, stop it. If you don’t see that
you’re at least a 7.1- Do you remember.. Do you remember when you were
uh, drunk at work and I found
you were an eight? You’re an eight. You’re not
going to play the game, dude? Dude, turn it up. I want to listen to it
when people play it ironically. Christina says she was a six and then her personality
makes her less. Yeah. She said
she got dragged down. Jay knows. She’s fine. Going to make a difference.
Going to make it- I think Christine is a realistic to me,
eight in looks. I will say a one
at her worst of personality. And when she is on top
of her game, a five. That averages out to about- You think I’m pretty? Yeah. For 35. Can you get
in that corner real quick? Mm-hmm (affirmative). While I just …
Can you look back? Your eyes pretty? This song’s making me
bummed out. Yeah it’s hard to listen to it. We’re not going to
listen to it ironically. Hit it, Lou. Blast it.
We’re in trouble, we got it. That’s why I want you to know. Nicky Glazer had
nine reads this morning. Paris Hilton was excited
to meet her. Look- They had an interview
that’ll probably go viral. If you want to find
a job next year, I better try to do good
and give myself Reads. Reads. Reads. Ah ow. Shamone. Christine, please stop
showing your spread asshole. Christine, I was fine with that. I wasn’t. That’s the mood I’m in. I’m in a real hairy
spread butthole mood. Mr. Joel
Simpson, what do you think? Oh god. She just keeps stuff up like
gaping buttholes for too long. So what? What’s the right
amount of time, Jacob? That was too long- It’s like steeping tea.
Does anyone really know? How long can you let
an open butthole sit? What is that?
What is the call on that? Who googled it? Black Lou.
Hey. What do you think? And this is with personality? You go first without. First just
pure looks- What happens when you walk
into a club and the first table of women
turn around and look at you? Your favorite St. Lunatic
song is playing. Picture that.
[crosstalk 00:30:23] What do you think
your number is? We are all- I think because of my height,
it caps me at like an eight. Okay. So realistically
I want to say 6.9. 6.9. Almost a seven.
And then you get to talking. He’s a nine. 7.9. You think … Really? Only one? You thought that if it bumped
you up more, you’d go.. I would put you at an 8.5. I know how to catch- You’re saying your top’s eight because you feel
like you’re tops height? Because I’m … Yes. If I was Dan’s height,
I’d have 13 baby mamas. Yeah. But I’m not. Thank god for that.
[crosstalk 00:30:58] My insane fear of intimacy
is reason I don’t. Because he’s super-fertile. Hi, welcome back to Broken Toys. Do you want a man
that’s completely shattered on the inside emotionally? Woo! Such a good song. Then you realize the guy
was just fucking kids. You think Corey knows he’s hot? Something special, Dan. What’s that? You guys think Corey thinks
he’s hot? He knows he’s hot? Can I tell you this about
the Corey Feldman article? Mm-hmm (affirmative). There’s …
We brought it up briefly. There was a Rolling Stone- I meant handsome Corey-
Are you kidding me? I always say
that he looks like- You know who I was talking about when I said
how handsome Corey was. You seem to mean like oh
you mean Corey Feldman probably. Not this fucking bag of shit. Well, I didn’t know …
What are you doing? I’m just saying
the way you put it. I just saying
I know what you meant- I think you’re lashing out at me because you know that
we’re going to get fired. Yeah. I want to hurt you now. You want to push me away?
I want to push you away. Stop pushing me away.
I’m here- Before Jacob takes us out- They’re in my program. Yeah this is a fucking phase Yeah this is … Dude we’re the band
of the Titanic, dude. It’s been an honor
serving with you. Step into play. Am I right?
Did I get the line right? Gentlemen, it’s been an honor. Thank you. Oy vey.
There is it. What are we going
to do with that? I’ll tell you- What’s the world going to be
when they don’t have little Jacob, little quips
like that from Jacob? You asked me. Little quips. How about Little Quips
with Jacob? There is our
sponsored segment. Yeah.
Too right. Quip ran away. Oh god. That’s just my hand
going into the long- I’m using an old brush head now because they won’t
send me refills. I’m sleeping on
a regular mattress and my underwear
is not [beep]. Yeah. My mattress has
no numbers on it. None. They took all …
They stripped all my [beep] off. My sleep.. They sent a thing
to shock my [beep] bed so now it’s just
constantly harder and softer all night long.
Instead of getting lower- Oh. And for some reason, I have a horrific skin injury
to [beep] sheets. It developed. Because it was a giant rash.
You’re like, “Ah. Here’s the thing,
it doesn’t itch. It’s just tender to the touch.
Oh.” Well. It’s a room full of fives
and sixes, guys. We’re going to do great
out there when the show ends. You know when they take away the
one thing we have going for us, let’s rock and roll. Rock and roll. Maybe we can … You know what we should do
for our next job? Why don’t you and I create
Dan and Jay’s Ad Agency and we write live reads? No. Tell me why that’s wrong. We could get a cute
little office mid-town east- We could do a two-man
subway comedy. Yes. I’ve been waiting for you
to ask me that. Could we wear vests
that have like fur on them? Yeah. And I’ll go, “Hello.” “Hello” Hope you’re ready to laugh to the express train
to Chuckles. All right guys, this is
our impression of Jailbirds. I don’t give a fuck
about none of that. Such a bonfire. I don’t give a fuck
about none of that. I don’t give a fuck
about none of that. “Oh look who it is.
It’s evil Winnie the Pooh.” You’re freaking me the fuck out.
What’s happening? “Sir, my child is right here.” “These two schizos just got
on the train and started doing comedy
in our faces.” “Suck my dick. I rape my wife.” “They’re talking like they know what they’re talking about.
This is non-sequitur stuff.” “Suck my dick. I rape my wife.” Let’s get dangerous. Laughing
just in the child’s face. “Let’s get dangerous.” Please don’t touch my child. We’re going to do a live
bonfire. We’re setting it up. This is our Fyre Fest.
We’re going to do it in Midtown, between two
massive buildings. I’m Dan Soder, getting money
together for Bonfire Fest. FYI- Oh dude. Can I be your Ja Rule? Yeah. We’re getting into
the cost of business. I’m going to be too comfortable
in this documentary to take my shirt off
when I’m around models. Yeah. We’re going
to get a concert. I’m going to call up
all my boys. Oh a board pass. Get that on camera. Did you get the serial on that? That’s great flossing
for one start … Oh yo, yo. We got access
to two floors up in Sirius. 36, 37. Boom. 36, 37 all day. Yo, yo. We’re going
to go up the studio. Yo, check this out. We’re going
to lay out two hours of comedy. Give me $50,000. Ah yeah. He- It’s our Fyre Festival. Yeah. He know.
Aw he know right here. Don’t pour it away.
Please don’t pour it away. Yeah you good. Now get that shit
up in you, son. Stop. Please stop saying that.
Why are you talking like a hick? Hold in your lungs. Was I doing hick? I thought I
was doing fucking wigger kid. No man. You were close to wigger
kid, it was too hick-y. You’re going, “Come on.” I’ll be back.
Get Dan for a minute. Listen. Hi Dan Soder. We really take our character
seriously here on the Bonfire. Yo. You hit all that blood, son? Okay that’s pretty good. Let me get up on that shit. Lou’s just sitting in the back.
Like- Yo. You good people, man. Like security. Doesn’t want to
be here. Yo you my .. on Black Monday. I hate you.
We got to talk about that. The finger to the face. Oh yeah. That was a great introduction
to meeting somebody. Wait let me leave and come back
not in character anymore. No, no over there. Sorry. Keep it here to reset.
This guy- Did you guys see
that wigger kid? He was very convincing. You tried to start a music
festival with me. What?
Based on the Bonfire. Shut your mouth. Hi. I’m Dan and I
play myself a lot. So in this case.
Loving people. Welcome back
to the Bonfire elevator. I’m Diamond Dancer. You guys ready
to get fucking wild? We’re going to do some uppers
when we go up. And it’s just us
sniffing meth. Ah. Get ready to get whatever’s
coming out of the elevator. No stops, no stops. NBC likes
to stop us for one floor. Stops.
No stops. You busting away?
No whammies. No whammies. Stops. No whammies. Big bucks.
No whammies. Big bucks. No whammies.
Big bucks, no whammies. Ding, ding, ding. Aw man, what a day.